I was cleaning up some backwater directory and ran across this oldie. According to the datestamp I must have saved it well over a decade ago. Nope, don’t know the origin. But I think it’s still funny, and still true as ever.
If you find the S word offensive then definitely don’t read on. Otherwise…
Shit
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. Consider: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can’t tell the difference between shit and Shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit, limp shit. You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink Twinkies, shit marbles, or shit your guts out. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle. Â You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plane shitty. Â There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit. Some shit doesn’t stink while other things really smell like shit. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit. Sometimes you’ll find shit on a stick, sometimes you’ll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can’t find shit at all. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can’t cut the shit. There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don’t want any shit at all. You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else!
